Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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