No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
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