I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
