the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
