Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
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