The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
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Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
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I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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