I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
