I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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