All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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