smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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