I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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