Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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