Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
