which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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