I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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