Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
