You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
