Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
