On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
