i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
did i just pee glitter
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Randomize
