right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
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