I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
