I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Randomize
