you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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