kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
