I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
