Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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