census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
