apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Randomize
