Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Just cropdusted the office
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
