When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
