Too much gin, very little bucket
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
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