and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Randomize
