Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
