I'm eating all of the evidence.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
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