he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
