So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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