so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
