Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
