dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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