her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
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