So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
