I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
