she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Randomize
