i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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