btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I'm way too hungover for life right now
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
