i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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