Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
