My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
When did angry sex become our thing?
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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