Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
