I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
And then my night got REAL pukey
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
