im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
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