Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
