note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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