dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
