Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Randomize
