He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
