1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
